Compersion

Here’s something you might not yet know about, though.  It is a trick, it is a gift, it is a happy-making drug.  It is an emotion that is the opposite of jealousy and it is called...  

compersion

I am amused that as I type “compersion”, the spell check on my computer doesn’t recognize it.  

You will recognize what I’m talking about here as I describe it:  When your best friend tells you that he saw his mega-crush, who lives in a different county, at the basketball game last night, your curiosity perks up.  

"Really?  What was she doing there?  Did you talk to her?  Did you get her phone number?  What happened, man!?” 

This is compersion.  

This is also the way that a polyamorus girl feels when her own boyfriend sees his mega-crush at the game.  

It is love, without the baggage of fear.  
He gets to confide in her:

“I’m not sure *why* she was there, but I was standing in line for popcorn and I realized she was right behind me in the line!  I started sweating and my brain went blank.  I mean, she was so close I could *smell* her.  I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t come out really dumb so I just stared ahead of me in the line”

“Oooh!  You are so cute”

“Well after I got my popcorn I started to walk away quickly because I felt so embarrassed.  And crazy Jeff’s little brother barreled into me like I was a target!”

“Ack!”

“That was the *last* thing I wanted her to see, me with my popcorn scattered everywhere.  I felt horrified when I looked up and she was giggling but when we made eye contact, she jumped down to the ground and started scooping the popcorn into her skirt!  I tried to stop her but she seemed to be having fun and wouldn’t let me end it.  We worked together and got it all cleaned up, and then she shared her popcorn with me.”

“Really!?  Wow!:  

“We talked enough for me to learn that she has a boyfriend and they aren’t poly-aware ...but that made it easier for me to tell her that I thought she was really fun and I’ll look forward to seeing her around again sometime...” 

...and so it goes... 

His experience and story, and her fascination and caring deepen their trust and love for one another.  

I’ll offer more examples of compersion here, because this isn’t something we learn from our upbringing, in most cases, and it’s helpful to have some kind of models to refer to in future moments when we are having trouble remembering how it works.     

John and Lucas met at work.  They were both working at the music shop downtown when they fell in love and they’ve been “together” ever since...going on three years.  John is an assistant manager at the shop, but Lucas had so many private fiddle students that he was able to let go of his part-time job.  There’s been another guy coming into the store lately who John can’t help but notice and be excited about.  For one thing, he’s pretty hot.  But for another...every time he asks for help, he’s seeking John’s counsel specifically and he’s asking really smart questions.  It seems like he might even be the kind of singer John’s been hoping to manifest for his bluegrass fusion project.  

Lucas has been hearing John talk about this guy after every time he’s come into the shop and he’s had some conflicting feelings.  For one thing..he’s excited for John, who’d been feeling quite discouraged that this town could ever produce the right singer for his project...and it sounds like the customer might even be interested in a personal relationship with John!  On the other hand, he keeps having second thoughts about having quit at the shop...he used to meet lots of cool people there and teaching private lessons all day can be pretty lonely.  Also, he’s having a nagging feeling of jealousy about this new guy...he is curious, but also harboring some fears that the fellow might just be hotter, cooler, and a better musician than he is.  Maybe John will lose his fire for Lucas!  Lucas knows better than to put too much energy into those fears, but he confides with John that he’s been having them.  

At the end of a pretty long day, Lucas has one more lesson to teach.  He is tired, but interested to meet Paul, his newest student.  The man rings the doorbell with an antique violin case under his arm, a tidy plaid button-down shirt, very well-fitting jeans, and mismatched hightops.  He is *cute*!  They seem to enjoy each other from the start...and as far as Lucas can tell, there is significant romantic chemistry...or at least potential for it!... between them.  Lucas plays it cool, staying professional, yet by the end of the lesson, they’re both laughing and they make plans to meet at a bluegrass show that weekend.  When John comes home that night, Lucas describes the lesson and the new student and it becomes almost immediately apparent to him that this is the *same* man from the shop.  Wow!  

They will go to the show together...and they are oh so curious to see how Paul interacts with them as a couple...

Angela and Justin have a casual relationship.  They’ve known each other for 8 months, and they have been “dating” for about half that time.  They usually have fun when they’re together, but Justin has the idea that Angela isn’t the type to fall in love with--or at least, that she’s not really *that* into him-- so he’s always just gone with the flow, letting things stay “light” between them.  This Friday, Angela has cancelled her date with him...she says her best friend is coming to town and they’re planning to fill the few days with a reunion of girl-time at their old hangouts.  Justin actually wonders if this is true, though.  Because it seems like maybe Angela isn’t really into him because she’s got another man in her life.  Justin’s been lied to before;  it sucked and its not an experience he ever wants to have again.  Justin just “happens” to spend the first half of the weekend frequenting Angela’s favorite cafe.  He doesn’t have anything more interesting to do, and he would like to know if the lady is maybe being deceptive in some way.  After all, he doesn’t really even know her all that well!  “No harm in doing a bit of research”, he thinks.  

Friday afternoon, who should walk in the door, but Angela, and she is with a lady-friend!  A flood of more-relief-than-Justin-would-have-expected washes over him as Angela catches sight of him, her eyes surprised.  He walks over, blushing, and makes a joke about how he’d thought maybe he should check in on her.  Then Angela introduces Maggie.  
Maggie!  She seems so different than he must have been expecting.  Dark and serious-looking, but with a smoky voice that almost immediately has him hooked.  Angela asks him if he minds if they join his table and he’s more than willing to pull out two chairs for *these* two women.  He openly displays his curiosity and growing fascination of Maggie, and--fortunately!--Angela seems to be entertained by this.  Angela is seeing Justin in a new light, now...he’s never been quite so straightforward and bold in his interest in *her* before.  It occurs to Angela that Maggie might be especially intrigued by Justin for her own reasons.  He’s so different than Maggie’s ex-husband...so wonderfully different than Jason.  More than anything, Angela feels interested...excited even.  If Maggie and Justin might be a good match...that would just be too cool!