Polyamory? For Teens?!!

Someone has climbed up the tallest roof in town and you are hearing them yell something very curious:  

“IT IS NATURAL, NORMAL, AND HEALTHY TO LOVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON!"

Polyamory is a fancy word (derived from latin and greek) which points to something very simple and true, yet which people often misunderstand. It breaks down to its own translation: poly = many and amory = love.  
I am writing from my heart about my experience of love and passion. The way that I experience these things is considered controversial by mainstream culture, and therefore, probably scary or weird for your parents or other adults in your life. I, myself, am a mother of four, and I have a personal sense of why our parents worry about their kids, desperately hoping they will make choices with their lives which bring them satisfaction and well-being, rather than pain or discomfort. However, my life has taught me in a thousand ways that what I have to share on this subject is important, and that it is time for me to share it with you.

Our world is steeped in a stubborn, confused mess. 

The major motion picture company of cartoon movies, and almost every book or blog you read is preaching misinformation about the nature of romantic love.

And almost every person who is in a romantic-love relationship has been, or is bound to be, struck by seemingly unresolvable internal conflict. It is this mistaken idea: When you are truly in love with someone they will be your everything, and you will be their everything and you will no longer desire to share that kind of love with anyone else.

We are told that if you do find yourself desiring connection with someone other than your partner, it is a sign that your current relationship is not right and was not meant to be, or worse, it is because you are just messed up. If your loved-one desires another, it is because you are not good enough for them, and because they never truly loved you in the first place. Or, it is because *they* are messed up and it is not fair to you that they are this way.

 

There is so much pain in our world because of these ideas. Many people believe them without ever questioning them – without even realizing that it is possible to love without the torment of jealousy. Many other people do have the inkling that that might be possible, yet their fear of being different, or of being judged negatively, prevents them from asking themselves questions which might lead them to unconventional answers.

There are also many brave people who are ready to accept that they will be judged harshly at times, and that they will be widely misunderstood and possibly even shunned by one or another group of people. This last bunch are finding that they can no longer do what they are "supposed" to do because they see that that isn't working and they hear their heart calling them to something that is more rich, complex and fulfilling than the "traditional" model of monogamous love.

This is a blog about the nature of romantic love and the forms of relationship that may unfold in your life when you are living your truth.

Good News

Good news!  

Your heart wants to lead you into beautiful love relationships where you are able to share your gifts with just the right people who are able to appreciate them.  More than one person in this world is aching for your insights, for the sound of your voice, and to cherish the weird way that you sneeze.  Their life is readying them for you, so that when you unite with them, there will be a spark, a chemistry, that speaks for itself, begging them to explore you and learn from you.  Amazingly, these people will take turns, and you will have time to savor the richness of each relationship, if you allow yourself to!  

And, it will get interesting when these relationships overlap.  There is more than one way to cut a cake, friends.  Polyamory (loving many) is about sharing, learning and growing, and once you find yourself free from the faulty premises of monogamy, your life will come alive in many new and exciting ways.

You love lots of people.  

Some of these loved ones may include your close friends, your brother or sister, cousins, grandparents or parents.  You might even have had an awesome teacher or neighbor who you will always feel fondly of, even after they are dead and gone.  This is "loving many", and it is natural to humans--it is part of the way that we have developed as community-dependent creatures.  It is not difficult to love your brother and your best friend at the same time.  Each of these relationships has unique attributes which make the relationship worthwhile for you in totally different ways.  You find that you are able to spend quality time with each of these loved ones and that neither relationship requires all of your time or energy.  If your brother *did* want or expect you to spend all of your time with him, it would seem strange, yes?  People would look at him sideways and ask you "Whats the deal with your brother, yo?"  A healthy love-relationship has breathing room in it and it doesn't need to control or confine you.

Another faulty premise of our culture: Once you are in a romantic-love relationship with somebody, they have some control over you and you have a right to control them, too.  

At first, this is a fun game and it feels joyful to surrender to the whims of your partner’s fears or fantasies.  But with the passage of time you will come to realize that it isn't working for you anymore.  The relationship had been so beautiful, like a flower, but now it begins to stink like a fart.

What does it mean to be "in love"?!

So what does it mean to be "in love"?!  

When you "fall in love" with someone, you are changing.  You are experiencing “new relationship energy” and you are fascinated.  In romantic-love relationships the whirlwind element of sexual chemistry will be involved.  It is like peering through a magical window in your perception;  you will tune into the raging beauty of the entire world around you in a way that you usually aren't able to do.  It is an exhilarating feeling and it compels you to spend more time with this person, and to explore with them.    

And, you imprint, or bond on eachother.  This means that you will always care for that person, even if you take separate paths later on.  Another way that is sometimes said, is that you will always have a piece of them in your heart.  And when they die you will probably feel a great sense of loss.  

As we scratch out the image of Cinderella and the Prince in our minds as how we can hope to experience love, 

what do we have to look forward to?

  

Well, first of all, "Cinderella" was just a fantasy and was never real.  Which kinda sucks, because it was so simple and beautiful and it was so easy to want that experience.  (The movies keep re-writing that simple story because people keep buying it.  It is about money and profits, and it doesn't reflect a universal truth).  Healthy love relationships are all different, just as in the difference between your relationship with your brother and with your best friend.  Most of the time, actually, it may still look very much like Cinderella and her Prince!  You can still have all of the good of that fantasy relationship, but you get to let go of all of the bad things which those two characters will have to endure later on.  Here are some examples of what it can look like to be a polyamorous twenty-something year old (These are fictional examples compiled from the lives of real people who I've known):

Zach lives in an apartment that he built into his mom's attic.  He is into graffiti, is a very talented artist, and has lots of good ideas;  he plays loud music and likes to go to shows and probably smokes too much pot.  He has a couple of girlfriends (Anicka and Julia) who like what they know of each other, but because of their different school and work schedules, they usually don't all hang out together at the same time, and they each really cherish their alone-time with Zach.  Julia and Zach met when they were college freshmen in art-school together;  they have a lot in common and enjoy collaborating with their art.  They have some longer-term visions for creating big projects together and maybe even getting married down the line.  They are not in a rush, though, because they are having so much fun right where they are.  Anicka pops in on Tuesday and/or Thursday evening after class, and when she isn't gone at a festival "hoopin", she sometimes spends much of the weekend with him.  She is very flitty, like a butterfly, and Zach enjoys her delicate playfulness.  There is something unsatisfied about Annicka, and it wouldn't be a surprise to Zach and Julia if she up-and relocated to Europe to join a clown school, or if she decided to give monogamy another go with a new boyfriend who really rocked her world!  Julia understands that Zach and Annicka only have so much time together, so when Annicka is able to come by, Julia usually takes advantage of an opportunity for alone-time or goes grocery shopping with her best friend who she doesn't otherwise see very often these days.

Seth brings in the bowl of popcorn and proffers it with bended knee for his orange-haired queen, his girlfriend Sarah.  She giggles and, as he plops next to her on the couch, she ruffles his curly brown mop of hair.  They are so happy for the weekend, no work for two days and they have plans to watch the entire second series of their favorite TV show.  When Sarah's favorite actor comes into the plot, Seth watches her demeanor change as she moves to the edge of the couch, caring more about the plight of this character than she does the others.  She is beautiful in her passion, yet he teases her about it anyway, because that is fun, too.  Sarah knows Seth is supportive of her open interest in other men, and in a way that she doesn't fully understand yet, he seems to love her even more richly when she shares this stuff with him, than he used to when she tried to shelter him from hurt feelings.  She teases him back that he has a crush on the janitor-character...which is entirely *untrue*...but funny.  He doesn't have anyone else he's interested in right now, and he's not even sure he could love anyone else like he loves Sarah.  Anyway, Sarah is certainly enough woman for him for now!

A proud-looking business-woman strides out of the revolving door and through the marble foyer in her heels and hose.   Ellie's gotten all caught up at work and has some ambitious plans underway.  Considered wise in the  work-place, others often come to her for advice in their relationships.  In her own personal life she is still pretty distraught after her breakup with Andrew three months ago.  She knows she will fall in love again, but she's not interested in some band-aid rebound relationship and she doesn't feel ready for a new man anyway.  She has a friend she flirts with at the office...they've occasionally met outside of work to share a light-hearted sexual fun together.  It isn't anything "serious", but it keeps her sexual appetite fulfilled, without the mess of trying to make another relationship work when her heart is still really throbbing for Andrew and the baby she'd hoped to have with him before they turned 30.  She knows it was for the best that they separate, but it's taking time to let go of the attachments she'd formed to that relationship going a certain way.  She is alone in the elevator as an errant memory of him starts to bring tears to her eyes.  She can't afford to get her makeup all runny in this moment;  as the elevator dings her to floor, she reminds herself that she hasn't called Sam for his counsel since the breakup with Andrew.   Sam was her first love and highschool sweetheart and he understands her on a very intimate level.  He'll probably be delighted to get a call from her and she's been wondering how married life has been treating him.  Ellie isn't just stamping down her feelings because she knows how important it is for her to heal this pain she is carrying around, rather than expecting someone else to fill the void that Andrew seems to have left in her life. 

What makes polyamory "tick"?

Honesty and transparency is clearly what makes polyamory “tick”.  

It is the fundamental difference between polyamory and the kind of relationships that we have been brought up in!  

What exactly *is* honesty, then...and what do I mean when I say “transparency”?

Honesty is when someone asks us what is “true” for us, and we answer their question in a pure way.

Like, my husband asks me,  "Are you attracted to him?"
And I say, "Well...yes, kinda!  I don't know if I would like him if I knew him better, but I really like watching him dance and he seems really funny"
 

Transparency is when we speak our truth because we have the sense that the other person might appreciate knowing it.

For instance, "Hey sweetie?  Did you notice me watching that guy who was dancing at the parade?  I didn't get his contact information or anything, but I thought he was pretty fun to watch.  I keep laughing this morning when I remember him" 

Sometimes the word “intimacy” is described:  “Into Me, See”.  I like that description.  Most of us have learned to disguise our truths from others, and even from ourselves.  When we are doing this, we are not practicing honesty/transparency.  Being deceptive in this way limits the degree to which we can experience intimacy.  When we aren’t willing or able to look deeply into ourselves, or when we are hoping to hide parts of our inner experience from our loved ones, we are jamming up the works of “Into Me, See” and sabotaging our own experience of love and closeness.

Love Economics

The pull of our wanting to still believe in the fantasy our world raised us on (the set of falsehoods that make up the myth of monogamy) is very strong.  But why can't we just make it work somehow?  Surely, not *every* monogamous couple is miserable!  More good news:  The fact is that you can always chose to do whatever you want!  You can try something new or try something again that you'd given up on before.  If you decide you'd like to commit to a monogamous relationship, though, prepare to experience this:    No one will ever meet all of your "needs" and you will never be able to sustain being anyone's one and only everything.  In this way, it will never be like the fairy tales.

The Economics of Time, Energy 
and Love 

As far as time goes, there really are only so many hours in a day.  For me, the goal is to spend my hours doing the thing that is most alive and inspired and "true".  The best thing I can figure to do with time is to never take it for granted and to always support the people I love in using their time to pursue their most alive truth.

Energy and love are different than time or money, though.

People fear that if they let themselves explore the interest or love they feel for a second person, that they are going to be shortchanging their first love.  This is based on a misunderstanding of the nature of love!   Part of the magic of love is that when you spend love, you find yourself getting richer with more love coming back to you.  When your boyfriend or girlfriend invests their love into another person, they, too, will become richer in love and energy to share with you. 

Let's look at Zach, Julia, and Annicka again:

After Zach has spent the weekend with Annicka, and Julia and he are together more again, Zach is acting a little different.  He has some ideas in his head that he is trying to figure out how to put into words so that he can share them with Julia.  She notices the change and asks him "What's up with you, Zach?"

"I...I'm feeling...I don't know.  Its just...well, I think maybe...Are my massages too wimpy??   I'm worried that all this time you've been just telling me you liked them, but that you didn't"

"Really?!  Why would you think that!"

"I started to worry about it this weekend.  Annicka didn't seem into my massage at all on Saturday morning, and when I asked her how it was for her, she said it was ok, but it would be better for her if I'd dig into it some.  Said it felt kind of like I was just petting her"

"Oh!  I'm sorry, Zachy!  Did you try pushing harder, then?

"I did, but I felt like it wasn't enough.  I started to feel really confused, so I decided to take a break and apologized to her.  She was fine about it, of course, but...I was worried about you as much as I was was about her.  It's just been feeling surprisingly important to me.  I'd be so embarrassed if all this time you've been placating me!

"Zach, you must know that I love your massages;  I always have.  And if I start wanting you to use more pressure, I swear to you, I will let you know.  *wink*  But as it is, if you try that on me, I'll probably kick you!  I don't relate to her about this at all.  I think its just one of the ways Annicka and I are different.  I'm so sorry you've been worried about it"  *pinches his butt with a smile*

Zach has been away from her all weekend, but he comes back to Julia with an enlivened desire to understand her.  He's trying to figure out if there is some way that he can express his caring for her more powerfully!

Jealousy

Jealousy.  

It is considered by most people in our world to be a natural and healthy, certainly an inevitable, response to the wrongness of our lover loving another.  Even the idea that our love might being *thinking* about someone else is considered to be a righteous cause for jealousy, as well as its condoned emotional response:  anger.  

This is all a misunderstanding.  Widespread jealousy is as much a sign of wellbeing in our culture as it would be if 95 percent of our culture developed a full body rash.  What the...!?  What are we doing wrong?  

Its those dang things that we believe, that we have been told all our lives, about the nature of love which are causing this nasty rash, so to speak.  We feel jealous when we believe that someone else’s love relationship can threaten our own love relationship.  We feel especially jealous, when we worry that another person is, or will seem to our boyfriend(as an example), to be “better” than us.  The thing we are then taught to feel is usually anger.  We become righteous and pissed, and *sometimes* that seems to work!  Some people keep their partner’s other relationship activity in check for many years using this method of cohersion.  *whisper*:  It never alters his heart, though!  

There is also the sad/worry thing.  People express their worry and sadness at the thought of their partner loving another and *sometimes* he is effectively guilt-tripped into refraining from pursuing another love.  For some time.  You cannot tame his heart by this tactic!  If he is prone to guilt, as most are, he will be beating himself up, somewhere deep down, at least, for the rest of your relationship.  

The way out of the cycle of jealousy and control is through cleaning up the ideas you store in your head.  Get one of those high-pressure air-blowers that chases the dust out of your keyboard.  This should be sprayed into your ear.  *NO*  That was a joke!  

I suggest that you start by adding some new ideas in there.

Whichever of these seems most true to you would be a good place to start:

Love is Beautiful.

Fear is Boring.  

I am Awesome.  

From there you can add more true things that you notice.  Maybe:

Love is Worth Being Crazy About.

Fear Would Lead Me to Regrets.

I Am Becoming Even More Awesome.  

Once you notice your brain saying some things that you actually *believe*...because your heart vibrates with the truth of it... it will be easier to hold the new thoughts up for a contrast as the old thoughts try to blare through you.  More and more, you will be able to simply choose to act from the new thought.  This will get easier every day that you choose it. 

You know a lot of true things.

You know a lot of true things. 

Maybe you haven’t given yourself full permission to notice them before!  Infinite wisdom resides deep in your soul, it is the thing that sings “yes!” when you hear someone say something that you’ve never said before yourself, or even necessarily thought before, but you recognize the truth of it immediately.  Many people point to this deep inner wisdom as being their personal connection with God.  For others, it is satisfying enough to accept that it is their own, deepest personality.  

However you experience this mystery is your own truth, and it is for you to notice.  As you let yourself have access to this inner wisdom, the more you will notice, and then the *more* you will notice and wonder about.  This is you becoming even more awesome.  This is you growing into the next new you.  This self-growth and exploration makes life exciting, personal, and fulfilling.

And when you are so invested in discovering who you are, and who you are becoming, you are already in love.  You have committed to your primary and most-worthy love relationship.  You are your own *first* love.  Another way this can be said is that your relationship with God can only truly come before your relationship with any other person.  Again, whether or not you ascribe to a God or religion, your personal truth must always come first.  Any time you opt to accept something that doesn’t resonate with your truth, it is the path of regret.  In those moments when you turn away from your inner wisdom, you are choosing to like yourself less and you are inviting future dissatisfaction.

And listen to this!

And listen to this!  

As much as you love yourself is as much as you will ever be able to love anyone else.

If you maintain a low self-esteem, you will never be qualified to really rock anyone’s world with your overflowing passion.  When you look at it as a choice...a choice you can make or remake in any moment, it is easy to notice that you would rather love yourself and others, than just accept some boring, stupid story:  that you aren’t human gold--that you are less a part of the miracle-mega-magnificence of nature/creation than any other person or thing in the entire knowable universe.

When we are ready to forge ahead with loving who we are becoming, why do we even need a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Well, actually, we don’t need one in the same way that we thought we did before.  

Yet!  It would be exciting to collaborate with another person.  They will have their own connection to truth and they will always be able to notice things that you haven’t noticed yet, ask questions you hadn’t thought to ask, or bring gifts to your life that you never would have developed on your own.  The reason to have a boyfriend or girlfriend is for the fun of it!

And as soon as we are on the path to understanding our own significance and wondrous gifts, we are ready to take on that old programming that taught us the emotional habit of jealousy.

Jealousy is very painful--one of the worst! feelings in the human experience.  It is a scary feeling...a sick wrenching in your gut...a shivering in your heart...a living nightmare throbbing in your head.  Jealousy feeds on fear.

And fear, itself, is just a bunch of dark ideas that reside in our mind! 

I'm not special enough.  

I will be abandoned again.  

No one will ever understand me 

You see what I’m saying.  We are beginning now to recognize with our awesome brains and our powerful hearts that we are loveable *and* special, we are never really alone, and that no one is ever going to be able to see or understand us as well as we can come to know our own truths.  When we keep perspective, we do not feel threatened anymore.

Without fear, jealousy dissipates.

Some people will find that this is not as straightforward and easy-to-do as it sounds. Others will find that it is much easier than they think it will be.

What will it be like to be you?  

 

Compersion

Here’s something you might not yet know about, though.  It is a trick, it is a gift, it is a happy-making drug.  It is an emotion that is the opposite of jealousy and it is called...  

compersion

I am amused that as I type “compersion”, the spell check on my computer doesn’t recognize it.  

You will recognize what I’m talking about here as I describe it:  When your best friend tells you that he saw his mega-crush, who lives in a different county, at the basketball game last night, your curiosity perks up.  

"Really?  What was she doing there?  Did you talk to her?  Did you get her phone number?  What happened, man!?” 

This is compersion.  

This is also the way that a polyamorus girl feels when her own boyfriend sees his mega-crush at the game.  

It is love, without the baggage of fear.  
He gets to confide in her:

“I’m not sure *why* she was there, but I was standing in line for popcorn and I realized she was right behind me in the line!  I started sweating and my brain went blank.  I mean, she was so close I could *smell* her.  I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t come out really dumb so I just stared ahead of me in the line”

“Oooh!  You are so cute”

“Well after I got my popcorn I started to walk away quickly because I felt so embarrassed.  And crazy Jeff’s little brother barreled into me like I was a target!”

“Ack!”

“That was the *last* thing I wanted her to see, me with my popcorn scattered everywhere.  I felt horrified when I looked up and she was giggling but when we made eye contact, she jumped down to the ground and started scooping the popcorn into her skirt!  I tried to stop her but she seemed to be having fun and wouldn’t let me end it.  We worked together and got it all cleaned up, and then she shared her popcorn with me.”

“Really!?  Wow!:  

“We talked enough for me to learn that she has a boyfriend and they aren’t poly-aware ...but that made it easier for me to tell her that I thought she was really fun and I’ll look forward to seeing her around again sometime...” 

...and so it goes... 

His experience and story, and her fascination and caring deepen their trust and love for one another.  

I’ll offer more examples of compersion here, because this isn’t something we learn from our upbringing, in most cases, and it’s helpful to have some kind of models to refer to in future moments when we are having trouble remembering how it works.     

John and Lucas met at work.  They were both working at the music shop downtown when they fell in love and they’ve been “together” ever since...going on three years.  John is an assistant manager at the shop, but Lucas had so many private fiddle students that he was able to let go of his part-time job.  There’s been another guy coming into the store lately who John can’t help but notice and be excited about.  For one thing, he’s pretty hot.  But for another...every time he asks for help, he’s seeking John’s counsel specifically and he’s asking really smart questions.  It seems like he might even be the kind of singer John’s been hoping to manifest for his bluegrass fusion project.  

Lucas has been hearing John talk about this guy after every time he’s come into the shop and he’s had some conflicting feelings.  For one thing..he’s excited for John, who’d been feeling quite discouraged that this town could ever produce the right singer for his project...and it sounds like the customer might even be interested in a personal relationship with John!  On the other hand, he keeps having second thoughts about having quit at the shop...he used to meet lots of cool people there and teaching private lessons all day can be pretty lonely.  Also, he’s having a nagging feeling of jealousy about this new guy...he is curious, but also harboring some fears that the fellow might just be hotter, cooler, and a better musician than he is.  Maybe John will lose his fire for Lucas!  Lucas knows better than to put too much energy into those fears, but he confides with John that he’s been having them.  

At the end of a pretty long day, Lucas has one more lesson to teach.  He is tired, but interested to meet Paul, his newest student.  The man rings the doorbell with an antique violin case under his arm, a tidy plaid button-down shirt, very well-fitting jeans, and mismatched hightops.  He is *cute*!  They seem to enjoy each other from the start...and as far as Lucas can tell, there is significant romantic chemistry...or at least potential for it!... between them.  Lucas plays it cool, staying professional, yet by the end of the lesson, they’re both laughing and they make plans to meet at a bluegrass show that weekend.  When John comes home that night, Lucas describes the lesson and the new student and it becomes almost immediately apparent to him that this is the *same* man from the shop.  Wow!  

They will go to the show together...and they are oh so curious to see how Paul interacts with them as a couple...

Angela and Justin have a casual relationship.  They’ve known each other for 8 months, and they have been “dating” for about half that time.  They usually have fun when they’re together, but Justin has the idea that Angela isn’t the type to fall in love with--or at least, that she’s not really *that* into him-- so he’s always just gone with the flow, letting things stay “light” between them.  This Friday, Angela has cancelled her date with him...she says her best friend is coming to town and they’re planning to fill the few days with a reunion of girl-time at their old hangouts.  Justin actually wonders if this is true, though.  Because it seems like maybe Angela isn’t really into him because she’s got another man in her life.  Justin’s been lied to before;  it sucked and its not an experience he ever wants to have again.  Justin just “happens” to spend the first half of the weekend frequenting Angela’s favorite cafe.  He doesn’t have anything more interesting to do, and he would like to know if the lady is maybe being deceptive in some way.  After all, he doesn’t really even know her all that well!  “No harm in doing a bit of research”, he thinks.  

Friday afternoon, who should walk in the door, but Angela, and she is with a lady-friend!  A flood of more-relief-than-Justin-would-have-expected washes over him as Angela catches sight of him, her eyes surprised.  He walks over, blushing, and makes a joke about how he’d thought maybe he should check in on her.  Then Angela introduces Maggie.  
Maggie!  She seems so different than he must have been expecting.  Dark and serious-looking, but with a smoky voice that almost immediately has him hooked.  Angela asks him if he minds if they join his table and he’s more than willing to pull out two chairs for *these* two women.  He openly displays his curiosity and growing fascination of Maggie, and--fortunately!--Angela seems to be entertained by this.  Angela is seeing Justin in a new light, now...he’s never been quite so straightforward and bold in his interest in *her* before.  It occurs to Angela that Maggie might be especially intrigued by Justin for her own reasons.  He’s so different than Maggie’s ex-husband...so wonderfully different than Jason.  More than anything, Angela feels interested...excited even.  If Maggie and Justin might be a good match...that would just be too cool!     

the Right Relationship

Sometimes I have known people to say, “I’m waiting for the “right” relationship”.

Another monogamy myth:  the right relationship will last forever.

“Till death do us part” is only one of infinite possible natural forms that a love-relationship will take.  It is very romantic to think that a partnership should last “forever”.  And marriage or life-partnership can be a noble endeavor. Sometimes that kind of commitment is ordained...by the universe!  By magic!  Yet for most relationships, something more flexible than a life-long commitment is being called for. 

The length of a relationship is not a measure of the "rightness" of a relationship.  

Yet, when relationships are based on honesty and transparency they have true integrity....and these are actually the most likely to “stand the test of time”--not out of obligation-- but because the relationship itself is always evolving and it continues to feed you the new feelings of mutual appreciation that keep you coming back for more. 

   

Rather than thinking of love-relationships like an appliance which is either turned “on” or “off”, let’s notice something.  Relationships are complicated!  They evolve and change...the beginning is almost always very different than the end!  “Off” and “On” is a pretty crazy way to try to categorize love relationships...here is a model for understanding relationships in a way that is more “organic”, more natural:

  

the “Relationship Rings” Model

You are at the center of the model and each ring around you represents your intimacy with another person.  The rings closest in represent your most intimate relationships (a best friend, a lover, or very close family member), and the rings furthest out represent the relationships in your life which involve the least intimacy (the mailman, someone who you’ve seen around but never spoken to, or a friend of a friend).  The purpose of this model is to notice that each of these relationships is elastic, so that, when you are interested in connecting more with someone, you are interested in drawing them into a tighter circle of your relationship rings model.  And as you discover more about them (or about yourself, as the case may be!), you might become *less* interested in that relationship.  In that case, it will be appropriate for you to let out the slack, so to speak...the relationship ring can expand out to a further and less intimate rung of your model.  You don’t have to try to turn it “off”!  You are simply adjusting the way that you interact with someone.  

And if, with new information, you have a renewed desire for connection with this person, you haven’t burned any bridges, and you can invite them closer again at any time.

Another helpful way of thinking about this is,

the “Web of Intimacy” Model 

You are at the center again, but this time, each of your relationships is connected to you by a string...some are closer in (more intimate) and others are further away, and many of them are connected to each other outside of their connection with you (Each individual has his/her own web of intimacy).  As you meet new people, and form new relationships, your web expands.  Sometimes it is a very far-flung relationship on your web, which will end up leading you into another, more intimate, relationship.  And, when you “break up” with your girlfriend, you can let that relationship fling out (like a spider casting a new thread) and allow it to land where the wind takes it.  Sometimes you will be surprised to find that your was-lover is going to make a great co-worker at the office, or that as your strange elderly grandmother moves in with your family, and as you discover her eccentric personality, she becomes a very important relationship in your life!  Always, relationships are like any other natural force...ebb and flow, dancing to the “music of god”.  They cannot be content to be controlled, but they don’t need to be!  There is natural wisdom all around us which, when we learn how to listen to it, is always there to guide us to the next best step in the next moment.  This means that we don’t need to force a design on our lives or relationships.

(Yes, this post needs some pictures.  Any dorky artists out there want to draw a couple of relationship diagrams?)