the Right Relationship

Sometimes I have known people to say, “I’m waiting for the “right” relationship”.

Another monogamy myth:  the right relationship will last forever.

“Till death do us part” is only one of infinite possible natural forms that a love-relationship will take.  It is very romantic to think that a partnership should last “forever”.  And marriage or life-partnership can be a noble endeavor. Sometimes that kind of commitment is ordained...by the universe!  By magic!  Yet for most relationships, something more flexible than a life-long commitment is being called for. 

The length of a relationship is not a measure of the "rightness" of a relationship.  

Yet, when relationships are based on honesty and transparency they have true integrity....and these are actually the most likely to “stand the test of time”--not out of obligation-- but because the relationship itself is always evolving and it continues to feed you the new feelings of mutual appreciation that keep you coming back for more. 

   

Rather than thinking of love-relationships like an appliance which is either turned “on” or “off”, let’s notice something.  Relationships are complicated!  They evolve and change...the beginning is almost always very different than the end!  “Off” and “On” is a pretty crazy way to try to categorize love relationships...here is a model for understanding relationships in a way that is more “organic”, more natural:

  

the “Relationship Rings” Model

You are at the center of the model and each ring around you represents your intimacy with another person.  The rings closest in represent your most intimate relationships (a best friend, a lover, or very close family member), and the rings furthest out represent the relationships in your life which involve the least intimacy (the mailman, someone who you’ve seen around but never spoken to, or a friend of a friend).  The purpose of this model is to notice that each of these relationships is elastic, so that, when you are interested in connecting more with someone, you are interested in drawing them into a tighter circle of your relationship rings model.  And as you discover more about them (or about yourself, as the case may be!), you might become *less* interested in that relationship.  In that case, it will be appropriate for you to let out the slack, so to speak...the relationship ring can expand out to a further and less intimate rung of your model.  You don’t have to try to turn it “off”!  You are simply adjusting the way that you interact with someone.  

And if, with new information, you have a renewed desire for connection with this person, you haven’t burned any bridges, and you can invite them closer again at any time.

Another helpful way of thinking about this is,

the “Web of Intimacy” Model 

You are at the center again, but this time, each of your relationships is connected to you by a string...some are closer in (more intimate) and others are further away, and many of them are connected to each other outside of their connection with you (Each individual has his/her own web of intimacy).  As you meet new people, and form new relationships, your web expands.  Sometimes it is a very far-flung relationship on your web, which will end up leading you into another, more intimate, relationship.  And, when you “break up” with your girlfriend, you can let that relationship fling out (like a spider casting a new thread) and allow it to land where the wind takes it.  Sometimes you will be surprised to find that your was-lover is going to make a great co-worker at the office, or that as your strange elderly grandmother moves in with your family, and as you discover her eccentric personality, she becomes a very important relationship in your life!  Always, relationships are like any other natural force...ebb and flow, dancing to the “music of god”.  They cannot be content to be controlled, but they don’t need to be!  There is natural wisdom all around us which, when we learn how to listen to it, is always there to guide us to the next best step in the next moment.  This means that we don’t need to force a design on our lives or relationships.

(Yes, this post needs some pictures.  Any dorky artists out there want to draw a couple of relationship diagrams?)